The Fight Inside

I've found that since my mom has passed, every moment, every one of my children's milestones, every cute moment that they have, every smile is tempered with sadness.  I have two competing emotions going on inside of me.  One and sadly the strongest is sadness that my Mom can't be there to hear or see, or experience these moments.  The other is pride, being proud of my child growing and becoming smarter every day.  It's an internal fight between the two emotions, and unfortunately so soon after her passing (12/22/12) that sadness usually wins.  I hope someday that the pride will win, the happiness will take over, and the sadness will fade away somewhat.  I know it will never fully go away.  How can it when someone so important in your life, someone that meant the world to you, someone that you did your best to protect and help all of your life, is gone.

I can only take solace in knowing that my 6 yr old (Payton) did get to know her before she passed.  She does have good memories of my mom (there were never any bad ones).  Paige, my 2 yr old had just started to bond with her.  When we would visit with her, or she would babysit for us, I'd come to get the girls and Paige would be either cuddling or sleeping on my Mom's lap.  Sadly when my Mom was in hospice at my sister's we took the girls to see her.  But they both had a cold so we had to have my Mom wear a mask just in case she got sick and it made things worse for her.  I think it scared Paige so she wouldn't go in the room. She just stared at my Mom.  I know my Mom understood, but it broke my heart.  She was 100%, living for her grandkids, myself and my sister.  However, I think her mental abilities were starting to wane so she didn't show any disappointment, or she just may not have realized or knew that it was disappointing to not be able to hug her granddaughter one last time.  Payton however did go and cuddle with her.  She even drew on a mask for her so it would look pretty while she wore it.

That's enough for now.  Getting too depressed to keep going and need to liven up my mood.

ttyl